Attentiveness

I don't want to be one of those people who always needs to have a brilliant story or a clever word to share. And so, as I contemplate and consider what to write, I realize that I actually have many things to share, but they are things of the everyday. They don't seem so earth-shattering or exciting, and thus, they don't seem worth sharing.

Unfortunately, this is how I have often lived my life. Always looking for the earth-shattering or exciting thing to keep me going. Big events to help me keep my focus on God. However, over the past few years God has been reminding me that He comes in the gentle whisper (1 Kings 19:12). He's that still, small voice. And, He asks us to “be still...” as well (Ps. 46:10).

I suppose I'm learning to be attentive. Attentive in the everyday things of life. Or better yet, attentive to God in the everyday. Things that appear so natural can suddenly seem quite supernatural. God's daily involvement in my life becomes real and tangible, personal and meaningful. His presence is more easily perceived and entered into.

Attentiveness doesn't just affect the way I experience God, but it also affects the way I interact with the people and world around me. I am learning to slow down and build “margin” into my life. To listen to what is being said, or not said. To notice the reactions of others, or how I react myself. To take time to observe, consider, think and meditate on. Time to enjoy. Time to see. Really see.

And when I am living with a high level of attentiveness I can hardly help but to be on mission. I am more other-centered. Having lived in tight community for a number of years now, I can say with some certainty that community is not born out of proximity, but out of attentiveness. No matter how close I live to those around me, I will not build deeper relationships if I don't pay attention and respond accordingly.

It seems that being attentive helps form the backbone of a life richly lived.

April Newsletter

Today.
I just returned from the hospital. The nurse has informed me that she is dead. She passed away on Thursday, after 3 weeks of fighting for her life. The fight is over. I can't believe it, although I did fear it. I knew it would take a miracle. I have been praying for weeks, so now what? I struggle to make sense of it. I can't even remember her name, but I'll never forget that face.

Two weeks ago...
It was a Friday night, which meant that Rhythm, our creative worship and prayer gathering, was in full swing. The theme of the evening was attentiveness. Being attentive to God and His heart for us, those who live around us and the events of our day.

At some point in the evening, we were given a local newspapers to read. The assignment was to ask ourselves what God might have to say about local events. What's on God's heart? What's He saying in this situation? What does He want to say? How might we be a part of what God is doing or wants to do?

On the front page of my newspaper there was an article about a 14-year-old girl from Soshanguve, where many of our staff and apprentices minister throughout the week. Apparently, the girl was struck and severely burned by some high voltage cables as she was walking to school with some friends. The reason the cables were exposed and violently swinging across the sidewalk is because they were in the process of being stolen. Stealing electrical cables is big business in South Africa. Apparently a deadly business as well.

My heart was struck by this story and the picture of this teen-ager with her winsome face and beautiful smile. I felt sick inside thinking about the suffering she was experiencing. As the evening ended, I wanted to forget about this poor girl, but I couldn't get her out of my head. I was haunted by the question of how I might be a part of what God was doing in this situation.

Daleen and Kyle were home sick, so I asked Zoe if she would go to the hospital with me to pray for this girl. Once we reached the hospital, it took just 10 minutes of hunting and explaining before I was ushered into room 13 of the Intensive Care Unit. What I found was a person burnt beyond recognition. My heart broke. Thankfully, she was heavily medicated and asleep because all I could do was stare. I finally regained my composure and asked the nurse if I could pray. I didn't know what to think as I returned home that evening, I just knew that I needed to pray for the girl.

A few days later I returned to pray again. The diagnosis wasn't good, but there was still hope. Shortly after my second visit I came down with a throat infection and was unable to return to the hospital. I was burdened with periodic thoughts of this suffering girl and her family, and continued to pray. Finally I was able to return. That was today.

What now?
As I returned to my car today, I was filled with sorrow. And, I was angry. Why would God lay it on my heart to pray for this girl only to have her die? Situations like these are painful and confusing. I believe I was faithful to what He called me to do, and I believe that God is working in ways that I will never fully understand this side of heaven, but I'm still grieved by her death. I have a sense of mission as I continue to pray for the girl's family as they mourn their loss. I also eagerly await the day when I get to see the other side of this tapestry that God is weaving.