Thursday, January 31, 2008

Brokenness

I recently bought a book by accident. At least it seemed like an accident at the time. I was trying to buy the book Community and Growth by Jean Vanier, but accidently threw From Brokenness to Community into my outbasket on Amazon. I eventually noticed the mistake and decided to keep the book since it was inexpensive and sounded intriguing.

God actually had other plans for that little book and me. Have you ever had an epiphany? Or perhaps it's a better question to ask if you've ever seen yourself so clearly that you can't deny what you see? Well, that's what happened when I got to page 29 and read the following words, "Community is the place where are revealed all the darkness and anger, jealousies and rivalries hidden in our hearts." As I read those words, it was like the veil was lifted and I saw my heart of hearts. I was floored...shocked...even scared at what I saw hidden in the deep recesses of my heart.

In that moment I realized how much of life is spent hiding all those areas of our lives that we just don't want others to see. We know they are there, but we try to block them from our minds and move through life with a sense of dignity. I can pinpoint these areas that "need some looking into" in other peoples' lives with considerable ease, but for some reason I turn a blind eye to my own darkness, anger, jealousy and rivalry.

Since reading page 29? Some tearful apologies and asking for forgiveness. I've also seen that it is in my weakness (brokenness), that I offer the unique gift of healing and life to others on our team and in our community. Weakness actually draws others out, while pride tends to keep others at arm's length.

As we start a new year with a new group of apprentices I find myself tempted to once again impress and show others all that I am capable of. For some reason we always seem to think that our relationships with others will be better if they only see the best of who we are. It's a tragic temptation. However, as Vanier writes, "All my life I had been taught to climb the ladder, to seek promotion, to compete, to be the best, to win prizes. This is what society teaches us. In doing so, we lose community and communion." In the end, that seems to be a high price to pay just to look good in others' eyes.

Friday, January 11, 2008

are you happy?

I've lived outside of the United States for more than 16 years. That's 40% of my life. Most of this time has been spent in countries that were not as "prosperous" as the U.S. I've often wondered what makes life "good." I've noticed that earlier on I often equated "happiness" with "material blessing," but over the years I've witnessed a "happiness" (our perhaps a peacefulness) with people that had little in the way of material things.

Recently I saw an interesting article on Yahoo: "The World's Happiest Countries". There were two lists compiled by the University of Michigan. The first list was compiled by asking individuals "Taking all things together, would you say you are: 1. Very happy, 2. Rather happy, 3. Not very happy, or 4. Not at all happy?"

The top five countries? 1. Nigeria 2. Mexico 3. Venezuela 4. El Salvador 5. Puerto Rico. Hmm, not exactly the wealthiest places on earth.

Another list was based on people's responses to the question, "All things considered, how satisfied are you with your life as a whole these days?" Who were the top ten? 1. Puerto Rico 2. Mexico 3. Denmark 4. Colombia 5. Ireland 6. Iceland 7. N. Ireland 8. Switzerland 9. Netherlands 10. Canada. I scanned the list and found the U.S. at number 15 and South Africa at number 41.

Obviously, there was a lot more to the studies than these two questions, but this has made me think a lot about what makes me happy. I can talk a good talk when it comes to traditional "church" answers, but what truly sustains me and keeps me peaceful and enjoying life to the fullest? Again, throw away your preconceived ideas about what is "supposed" to make you happy (or joyful, if you must), and allow yourself to be completely honest before a God, who won't be shocked. I'm learning to allow him to meet me in the midst of this struggle and to lead me into deeper waters.

So, what makes you happy?