Finishing Well

It's difficult to explain the significance of saying a proper “good-bye” when one is in a period of transition. Saying good-bye to what was is as significant as saying hello to what will be, but we often forget this as me move into the future and what is next.

In October of this year, our family was celebrated by our community in grand fashion as we prepare for the future. First of all, we were treated to a wonderful dinner with just our staff team and our NieuCommunities' director, Rob Yackley. As we enjoyed our meal, words of encouragement and love, healing and hope, were spoken into our lives. What a blessing.

After enjoying our meal we made our way back to Pangani to join our wider community of apprentices and friends. When we arrived we found that the entire place had been transformed into an art gallery. But this was no ordinary art gallery. This art gallery featured pictures of remembering, letters from past apprentices that we had coached, messages from friends, as well as art that Daleen and I had done over the past 7 years. It was overwhelming in the best of ways – almost too much for a heart to take in.

There was more food, fun and a “show” featuring the talents of our local friends. There was a community prayer for our family. There was thanksgiving.

Again, it is hard to put into words what an evening like this will do for the soul. It heals, it brings closure, it releases. We are grateful for being part of an intentional community of people. It is something we will look for wherever we go.

Change

December 2009

Change is a natural part of life. Without change I suppose I'd still be hitting my wife over the head with a club and dragging her off to my cave. Change is good. This year has been filled with a lot of change, and the next year promises to be filled with even more.

When Daleen and I were called to serve with NieuCommunities in South Africa we didn't know just how long we'd be here. Our calling was the strongest we'd ever sensed, and the most specific as well. We were not about to leave NieuCommunities until we were confident that God was leading us that way.

to change : to modify

This year it became clear that NieuCommunities South Africa was on a journey of its own. What we had created over the past seven years was good, and it was affecting deep change in our apprentices' lives, but it was not sustainable. It was evident that our staff was becoming less missional, and our apprenticeship was becoming more programmatic. It was obvious to our staff that it was time to go back to the drawing board, learn from our experience, and modify our course.

When I mention making some modifications, I am not talking about small changes. Rather, NieuCommunities is revamping how they will apprentice young leaders, as well as who they will be apprenticing. The team will be moving away from the suburbs and into the city of Pretoria, and they will begin to focus on apprenticing South Africans. The apprenticeship will be slimmed down and stretched out over a longer period of time, as well as less curriculum-driven and more mission-driven.

Although these are changes that Daleen and I completely agree with, we don't feel called to make these changes with NieuCommunities. We sense that it is time to pass the mantle to new leadership that will guide NieuCommunities into its future. Therefore, at the end of this year we will be moving on from NieuCommunities into our future.

to change : to deepen


The past seven years have been highly formative for Daleen and me. Most importantly, we have deepened our intimacy with Christ. We have also grown in our leadership abilities and deepened our understanding of who God has created us to be. We see our true selves much more clearly.

In light of this, we sense that God is calling us into a new phase of life and mission. We feel that we are moving toward a more focused time of ministry that will utilize our 18 years of cross-cultural experience with CRM, as well as a clearer understanding of our personalities and gifting.

to change : to move


Daleen and I are both wired to mentor/coach others, helping men and women reclaim their hearts and all that God has for them. We also enjoy creative worship, unleashing creativity in ourselves and others, and encouraging creative expression. We want to help people better understand their spiritual formation in order to be transformed in their love relationship with Jesus. And we see ourselves using our hospitality gifts in an intentional community of people.


What we feel called to can happen pretty much anywhere in the world. Therefore, in order to help us better understand where God might be leading us, we are going through a Mid-Career Assessment at the CRM home office on December 9-10. We want to continue working with CRM, but we are not sure where we will be located. Daleen and I both sense that we will be leaving South Africa, which would most likely mean a move to America or Europe sometime next year.

to change : to pray

Please pray with us:

• for clear direction.
• for peace in moving away from South Africa. We have been amazed with how God is bringing peace to our children's hearts already. Daleen's dad is in ill-health and we know that it will be emotionally hard on her parents if we move away.
• for attacks of the enemy to be thwarted – we have been facing some pretty tough attacks lately. In this, we are focusing on who God is rather than on what the enemy is able to do.
• for needed financial resources – in light of the future, we need to raise about $1200 per month in new support - monthly, yearly and one-time gifts all help to provide for this need.

Much love and many thanks for partnering with us, Bryan, Daleen, Kyle and Zoe

Simplicity

If there was ever a practice that flies counter to our current culture, then it is simplicity. In the world in which we find ourselves, we often define the “good life” by how full, busy and complicated our lives are.

Simplicity is a word rich in meaning. Simplicity is a lifestyle. It is also a spiritual discipline. In her book, Spiritual Disciplines Handbook, Adele Ahlberg Calhoun writes, “Simplicity cultivates the great art of letting go. Simplicity aims at loosening inordinate attachment to owning and having. Simplicity brings freedom and with it generosity” (p 74). She also states that the desire behind the practice of Simplicity is “to uncomplicate and untangle my life so I can focus on what really matters.” Beautifully said.

Each year as part of NieuCommunities South Africa we try to live in the spirit of Simplicity. A couple of years ago, one of our staff members challenged our staff and apprentices to live for a month on half of our “disposable” income. That means once we have paid all our bills for the month we try to live on half of what is left over. So, for us our disposable income included all money spent on food, entertainment, petrol, school, etc.

Of course, Simplicity month is not only about money. As a matter of fact, it isn't primarily about money. It is about seeking first the kingdom of God and living in a way that is in sync with His kingdom. Therefore, we take time to examine our schedules, our relationships, our desires and addictions. I also make it a priority each year to limit the amount of time each week that I check the exchange rate and our financial giving report. These are areas where God is calling me to deepen my trust in Him.

We have done this for a couple of years now and I am amazed at what we can save in one month's time if we truly scrutinize how we are spending our money. Of course, the announcement of Simplicity month is usually met by groans too deep for words by our children, but by the end of the month I'm amazed at how well we've all adapted. We are more conscious of how much water we use, how many lights are on, or if we truly need to make a trip in the car or not.

The practice of simplicity is changing the way our family sees and engages the world around us. For some years now when Kyle and Zoe pray before a meal, they will always remember those who live on the streets and pray for their needs. When we, as a community, took part of the Simplicity money and bought blankets and bread for the homeless in our area, Kyle and Zoe pleaded to go along. They wanted to be a part of caring for others. They wanted to be a part of bringing God's kingdom in a tangible way to real people with real needs. That is the spirit of Simplicity.

“Simplicity creates margin and spaces and openness in our lives. It honors the resources of our small planet. It offers us the leisure of tasting the present moment.” - Adele Ahlberg Calhoun

cricket is upon us

So, it's August, which means it's time to get out the ol' cricket bat and pads and gear up for another season. I realize that many Americans don't know much about cricket, and I must confess that I used to call it "baseball with a 2x4." Yes, that was before I fell in love with the game and became an avid fan.

Cricket is an interesting game with great words like "wicket" and "yorker" and "fine leg". You actually bowl the ball rather than pitch it - bowling means you can't bend your arm and throw the ball. You bowl "overs," which means that you bowl 6 balls in a certain direction, then another bowler comes and bowls the opposite direction for an over.

A professional game is 50 overs of bowling for each team and a game will last about 8 - 9 hours. Yes, that's a long time and usually the clincher for most Americans when asked why they don't like the sport. At Kyle's age the game is a mere 30 overs for each team, which means it only lasts for 4 hours. But cricket is a culture and it takes time for one to get enculturated. However, before you know it, you will love going to matches and having a barbecue during the game.


Kyle started out this season with a bang by taking 4 wickets. Okay, what in the world does that mean? Well, a team can bat for all 30 overs or until they lose 10 wickets (or 10 guys get "out"). Once either one of those two things happens the teams trade places and the batting team bowls and vice versa. In any given game your team gets to bat once and bowl once. So, by taking 4 wickets, Kyle got 40% of the other team out. In any case, it's very good and we were extremely proud of him.



Speaking of batting, you always have two players batting at the same time. A "partnership" if you will. Now, the batters stand at opposite ends of the pitch (an area were the balls are bowled) and both have to get safely across to the other side in order to score a run. If the batter really hits the ball hard it can bounce or roll across the boundary rope (there is no "fence" in cricket) and the batter scores 4 runs. If he hits it in the air over the rope, then he gets 6 runs for his team.

I understand that I have given you a lot of information for one sitting. Cricket sounds much more confusing than it actually is. I suppose the only way to actually understand the game is to go see it live. If nothing else, you will probably eat well, and who can complain about that?

kingdom pictures in the dance of the everyday

<Over the past several months, God has been leading my heart to be attentive to the everyday stuff of life. To see Him in the ordinary things of life, the routine, the moments of my day. In his book, The Great Dance, C. Baxter Kruger writes of the beautiful "dance" of the Trinity that we are invited into. Unfortunately, we often miss this extraordinary invitation as we separate the "sacred" and the everyday by using categories in our minds like spiritual and secular.

Kruger writes, Jesus is the light of the world. He is the secret, the key which unlocks the mystery of babies and baseball, fishing and barbecues, romance and love. He is the light which illuminates the mysteries of our humanity, from cooking supper and managing a hardware store and painting houses to friendship and laughter and music. It is all the way the dance of the Trinity is being played out in us.

When you see the Trinity and the incarnation for what they are, you are poised to see yourself and your life in a new light, the true light. You are poised to see that there is nothing ordinary about you and your life at all. You and your life are the living expression of the glory and joy and beauty and love - the great dance - of the Father, Son and Spirit.

So, this week we find ourselves with the assignment to look for pictures of the kingdom as we go about our lives. Armed with nothing more than a camera we are to capture these pictures where we see the Kingdom being lived out. I chose yesterday to document the moments of my life where I felt I could see the realities of God's kingdom. To the left, there are a few of the pictures that I took.

First of all, early in the morning I waited for two of my good friends, Craig and Bonnie Ward, who are leading a group of InterVarsity students on a 6-week trip to S. Africa and Malawi. I was asked to help lead a trip to Pilanseberg National Park for the day. As I waited in front of my house, I had the growing anticipation of seeing my friends and going to one of my favorite places. Their headlights made for a nice picture and signified the beginning of a beautiful day spent with people I love.

At Pilanseberg, we had the joy of watching a herd of zebra from an underground viewpoint. It felt like a gift to find zebra playing and interacting just meters away from us as we got a glimpse into the beauty of God's creation. Later that day, we found giraffe at another lookout point. As I watched this group of university students enjoy the scene together I thought about the beauty of relationships and what a joy it is to share incredible sights with people we know and love.

When I returned safely home that evening, I was tucking my son into bed when he suddenly grabbed the hat off my head, put it on his own head and smiled up at me. A small moment, but one that was so meaningful to me. As I left his room, I went to say "Goodnight" to my daughter and I found my wife reading a story to her. Somewhere in the midst of the story my daughter had fallen asleep. Laying so peacefully next to her mother I was reminded of God's great care for me, and my family.

Again, these were all small moments of my day - all together they may have made up 5% of my day. However, when viewed through the eyes of God's invitation to join Him in the great dance of the Trinity, I sense His joy as I enjoy my life and the moments of my day.

Hospitality

Imagine a church building. It's a sizeable structure centered in the middle of a large city. When you walk in off the street you encounter thousands of people taking shelter and living in the church building. You ask around to find out exactly what is going on and you notice that many of the people you meet are not South Africans, but from other countries in Africa. You hear of fights, stealing, even murder. You are shocked and begin to wonder, “Who would allow such atrocities?”

I recently attended a gathering called Amahoro (“shalom”), which was focused on reconciliation in a post-Colonial Africa. People gathered from all over Africa and around the world. It was an excellent time of building partnerships with others, who long to see Africa healed of the scars of Colonialism. With others, who would love to see the Church in Africa become truly African.

At the gathering, a Methodist pastor from Johannesburg spoke about his church's reaction to last year's xenophobic attacks on foreigners. He told how the Central Methodist Church became, and still operates as, a shelter for approximately 3000 refugees. He didn't give a glorified version of this massive endeavor, but spoke of the challenges and struggles of being “hospitable” to those in need.

When this pastor shared that there have been two murders in the church building I was shocked. My initial thought was that it is inappropriate for something like that to happen in a church building. Then I was struck by another thought. Would it be better if the murders would have happened in a cold, dark alley or someplace else in the city? In some other place where we, the Church, wouldn't have to be confronted by it?

As I continued to think about Central Methodist Church throughout the day, I thought about all the reasons I have for not doing something like they are doing. And stories of murder, well, that just goes to prove the point. But does it prove a point? Should we not give refuge to those in need because there are risks? Should the Church not do something radical while the world stands by and watches people murdering one another? In the newspaper there was a picture of a policeman, who stood by and watched a Zimbabwean burn to death. He was set alight by his “neighbors.”

Although I don't feel called to do what this Methodist pastor is doing, I do feel challenged by it. I know I can grow in the area of meeting the needs around me. I know that I can open my life and my heart to the poor, hurting and destitute. I know that our churches can be more responsive in a spirit of hospitality to those who are in desperate need.

In NieuCommunities we are reading Making Room: Recovering Hospitality as a Christian Tradition. The author, Christine Pohl, lays out the history of hospitality, and the changes in our understanding and practice of hospitality. One reason hospitality has declined is that government and other specialized institutions have taken over filling these needs – generally in professional and non-personal ways. In essence, hospitality has been minimized in our local churches and relegated to our domestic and civic shperes of life.

Pohl writes, “With little attention to the church as a key site for hospitality, the institutional settings for Christian hospitality diminished and the understanding of hospitality as a significant dimension of church practice nearly disappeared.” Hopefully, with churches like Central Methodist leading the way, churches will begin to reclaim the transforming practice of Christian hospitality.

The Clinic and the Church

Every third Thursday of the month I drop the kids off at school and head to the local government health clinic. As a permanent resident of South Africa, I receive my monthly medicine for free, which is a wonderful blessing. On these trips to the clinic I am privileged to see another side of South Africa. First of all, of the 60+ people waiting in line, I am one of five or so white people, which includes the staff. Secondly, I am exposed to "the system," which many South Africans battle on a daily basis. A trip to get medicine at the clinic can last anywhere from an hour to two hours or more. Thirdly, before the clinic officially opens, I get to take part in an interesting "church" experience.

Although this "church" experience raises several questions for me, I must say that I respect the staff and enjoy watching them in action. They always greet the waiting crowd when they arrive to work. One by one as they come through the door, the staff give a big "dumelang" to those waiting on the pew-like benches. And, everyone in the pews returns the greeting. It's nice and friendly. You get a sense that the staff genuinely cares about what is happening at the clinic. I can't say that for most government agencies I've experienced.

Okay, so we've established that these are good-hearted people so let's get back to "church." Once the staff has arrived, one of them will come to the front of the counter and stand in front of the pews - uh, I mean benches. After a bit of small talk, they will begin to "preach" - not that we are getting exegesis, but we are getting Jesus. This little sermon can last anywhere from 5 to 15 minutes. I must admit, they are usually quite thought-provoking. After the "sermon" is over, we are asked to stand so that we can pray. Sometimes we are asked if there is someone who would rather not pray, but I've noticed that no one ever raises their hand. We all stand and pray out loud at the same time - what I have come to call "African-style prayer."

So, although I enjoy this cultural experience, it has raised some questions for me. First of all, I wonder if this is actually an abuse of position and power. Is this what Jesus meant when he gave us the commission to go into all the world and make disciples? Is this kind of experience honoring to those who don't want to participate? Or do the ends justify the means? "People hear the gospel," we say, "therefore, we have been faithful." Or have people heard the gospel. I wouldn't want a person of another faith to espouse their views at the clinic and then ask me to pray. I would probably feel violated because I had no choice to be there or not.

I also think we make a lot of assumptions about the place of the Church in society. I am often guilty of thinking that the Church needs to be in a prominent position in society in order to be effective. However, history shows that the Church is truly most effective when it is on the fringes of society. Having position, power and authority has rarely been an effective way of transforming people's lives.

I understand that I may have opened a whole can of worms here, but I do want to think through our methods of sharing the gospel and our ideas about being the Church. I have done some things in my past that were called evangelism, but felt more like I was being sneaky or taking advantage of people. These felt more like shoving the gospel onto people rather than sharing the gospel with people. How do we follow God in the way of Jesus so that we speak the truth in love while honoring people and giving them the best shot at hearing and experiencing the gospel?

Let's dialogue.

Passion

I remember when I was a young Christian and the zeal I had to please God in obedience. I still desire to please God, and to walk in obedience, but I often don't feel that same excitement that I had when all was new. Over the past 25 years there have been times that I've found myself asking God to restore those feelings. Why?

I suppose it is a bit like marriage. I can't keep living off the emotional rush that I used to get just by holding Daleen's hand. Truth is, the emotional rush fades. A deep love takes over and you find yourself loving and pursuing for different reasons. What motivates me in my love relationship with Daleen? with God? Perhaps it is a knowledge that deep fulfillment, true joy or the best happiness I can find, will be found in that deeper pursuit. In that place that I seek contentment, rest and peace.

I also believe that I will find my passion there. Passion doesn't come from a half-hearted relationship. Not with my wife. Not with my kids. Not with my work. And, certainly, not with God. I want to live a life of passion. Or maybe it's better said that I want to live my life out of my passions. I am often tempted to find passion through adventure, but I think I have it backwards. Adventure is found in living out my passions. I would venture to say that a life without passion is a life half-lived.

Passion gets some bad press because it has been perverted and abused. It is not lust, but rather a deep and abiding driving force that compels us into the inner sanctum of the heart. I suppose that is why we refer to the suffering of Jesus as the Passion.

God's invitation to man includes an invitation to live out our passions with Him. I think of moments where God and I seem to be operating out of a oneness of spirit. Where He seems to be flowing in and through me. Being knitted together in a way not easily described by words. However, I find that these times don't happen in a vacuum. They come from a life of living in His presence. A well-known writer once said that in our relationship with our children quality time flows out of quantity time. It seems to be the same with God.

Attentiveness

I don't want to be one of those people who always needs to have a brilliant story or a clever word to share. And so, as I contemplate and consider what to write, I realize that I actually have many things to share, but they are things of the everyday. They don't seem so earth-shattering or exciting, and thus, they don't seem worth sharing.

Unfortunately, this is how I have often lived my life. Always looking for the earth-shattering or exciting thing to keep me going. Big events to help me keep my focus on God. However, over the past few years God has been reminding me that He comes in the gentle whisper (1 Kings 19:12). He's that still, small voice. And, He asks us to “be still...” as well (Ps. 46:10).

I suppose I'm learning to be attentive. Attentive in the everyday things of life. Or better yet, attentive to God in the everyday. Things that appear so natural can suddenly seem quite supernatural. God's daily involvement in my life becomes real and tangible, personal and meaningful. His presence is more easily perceived and entered into.

Attentiveness doesn't just affect the way I experience God, but it also affects the way I interact with the people and world around me. I am learning to slow down and build “margin” into my life. To listen to what is being said, or not said. To notice the reactions of others, or how I react myself. To take time to observe, consider, think and meditate on. Time to enjoy. Time to see. Really see.

And when I am living with a high level of attentiveness I can hardly help but to be on mission. I am more other-centered. Having lived in tight community for a number of years now, I can say with some certainty that community is not born out of proximity, but out of attentiveness. No matter how close I live to those around me, I will not build deeper relationships if I don't pay attention and respond accordingly.

It seems that being attentive helps form the backbone of a life richly lived.

April Newsletter

Today.
I just returned from the hospital. The nurse has informed me that she is dead. She passed away on Thursday, after 3 weeks of fighting for her life. The fight is over. I can't believe it, although I did fear it. I knew it would take a miracle. I have been praying for weeks, so now what? I struggle to make sense of it. I can't even remember her name, but I'll never forget that face.

Two weeks ago...
It was a Friday night, which meant that Rhythm, our creative worship and prayer gathering, was in full swing. The theme of the evening was attentiveness. Being attentive to God and His heart for us, those who live around us and the events of our day.

At some point in the evening, we were given a local newspapers to read. The assignment was to ask ourselves what God might have to say about local events. What's on God's heart? What's He saying in this situation? What does He want to say? How might we be a part of what God is doing or wants to do?

On the front page of my newspaper there was an article about a 14-year-old girl from Soshanguve, where many of our staff and apprentices minister throughout the week. Apparently, the girl was struck and severely burned by some high voltage cables as she was walking to school with some friends. The reason the cables were exposed and violently swinging across the sidewalk is because they were in the process of being stolen. Stealing electrical cables is big business in South Africa. Apparently a deadly business as well.

My heart was struck by this story and the picture of this teen-ager with her winsome face and beautiful smile. I felt sick inside thinking about the suffering she was experiencing. As the evening ended, I wanted to forget about this poor girl, but I couldn't get her out of my head. I was haunted by the question of how I might be a part of what God was doing in this situation.

Daleen and Kyle were home sick, so I asked Zoe if she would go to the hospital with me to pray for this girl. Once we reached the hospital, it took just 10 minutes of hunting and explaining before I was ushered into room 13 of the Intensive Care Unit. What I found was a person burnt beyond recognition. My heart broke. Thankfully, she was heavily medicated and asleep because all I could do was stare. I finally regained my composure and asked the nurse if I could pray. I didn't know what to think as I returned home that evening, I just knew that I needed to pray for the girl.

A few days later I returned to pray again. The diagnosis wasn't good, but there was still hope. Shortly after my second visit I came down with a throat infection and was unable to return to the hospital. I was burdened with periodic thoughts of this suffering girl and her family, and continued to pray. Finally I was able to return. That was today.

What now?
As I returned to my car today, I was filled with sorrow. And, I was angry. Why would God lay it on my heart to pray for this girl only to have her die? Situations like these are painful and confusing. I believe I was faithful to what He called me to do, and I believe that God is working in ways that I will never fully understand this side of heaven, but I'm still grieved by her death. I have a sense of mission as I continue to pray for the girl's family as they mourn their loss. I also eagerly await the day when I get to see the other side of this tapestry that God is weaving.

Our Common Covenant

We recently finished our 3-week orientation for 2009 with a recommitment to our common covenant. Although our staff personalizes the following covenant to fit their unique gifting and calling, I thought it would be interesting to share our common NieuCommunities' staff covenant with you. Our covenant is built on Communion, Community and Mission, the three threads that run through all that we do. Hopefully, this will help you to know our hearts and the heart of NieuCommunities a bit better.

Our Common Covenant

Communion

We will make the Triune God the center of our lives by:
• praying together for our world, our neighborhood, and one another
• reading scripture together
• worshiping together
• exploring and practicing other spiritual disciplines together
• celebrating and finding joy in the beauty and goodness of God’s creation
• taking a weekly Sabbath and periodically retreating together
• individually extending and expanding on these practices for our own spiritual formation

Community

We will journey together and strengthen one another by…
• living in the same neighborhood
• opening our lives and homes as places of invitation and hospitality
• gathering at least once a week over a common meal
• caring for and submitting to one another and God’s Spirit for guidance
• sharing stories and reflecting on God’s work in our midst
• living increasingly more simply and sharing our economic resources with each other and with those in need
• gathering weekly to be intentionally formed as missional leaders by living the rhythm of listening, submerging, inviting, contending, imagining, and entrusting
• inviting others to join us and allowing them to participate as much as they are able

Mission

We will join in and incarnate the good news of Jesus where he is not known and followed by…
• submerging into neighborhoods of cultural, ethnic and economic fusion, and learning to help people of different classes and colors live and work side-by-side.
• recognizing the earth is the Lord’s and we are called to care for, protect, and work towards its redemption as part of the whole of creation
• occupying the already existing places in our neighborhood—or creating a place if it doesn’t already exist—to be with the people God longs for
• discipling people who want to follow Jesus into a relationship with him
• mentoring those from our neighborhoods to be people of peace and influence
• partnering with our neighbors—as a missional community—in a few carefully selected, kingdom-oriented initiatives that we will engage together and help advance
• inviting our neighbors and friends to join us in periodic gatherings to experience the goodness of God
• living out the fullness of life that God has uniquely created, gifted, and called each of us to live
• apprenticing young leaders to engage all of the above with us and to live missional lives wherever they go

All The Buzz

Community has been a buzz word for quite some time now. Being a part of a community. Building community. Helping to start a new community.

I find that people love the idea of community. Being a part of something bigger than oneself. Being surrounded by like-minded people, who long for the same things. Pursuing a common purpose in the spirit of unity.

Like most people, I also dream of how the community I am a part of will lift me up. Edify me. Help me to be more like Jesus. And, secretly, fill some of that void that lies deep in my heart. Yeah, I can be a bit self-centered on occasion. The occasion usually being each brand new day.

Truth is, community is hard work. Okay, okay, I know you've probably heard that before, but it's so true. Today we begin our 7th year of NieuCommunities South Africa. And I am amazed that I am a bit apprehensive about moving toward community with 8 new people that I've never been in a community with. Is it because I'm secretly afraid of community? I don't think so.

I think the apprehension lies in the fact that true community calls me to be totally and completely reliant on Jesus. Not that I don't want to be totally reliant. Problem is that I've lived with myself for a few years and I know that I don't always do that. I enjoy this funny little thing called control, and in my attempt to control I lose the very thing I'm striving for.

I also know that true community calls me to serve. I like to serve others! That is, until they tick me off, get under my skin and eventually fall onto the inevitable list of "those who don't deserve to be served." Yes, dying to self and becoming servant of all is the call of the day if you want true community. In my attempt to get my way I squander the very thing I'm longing for.

Finally, I know that true community calls me to be vulnerable. To allow others to see (and experience) those dastardly parts of me that I don't even like to admit I have. It's hard to wear a mask in community. No, let me rephrase that. It's easy to wear a mask, but it's hard to find one that others can't see through. Again, in my attempt to protect myself, I miss the very thing I am hoping for.

So, why is it that I keep fighting for community year after year? The answer is simple. I have tasted it's fruit. The shaping of my life. The transformation of my character. A growing ability to love the seemingly unlovable. A blossoming desire to die to self. A thirsting after righteousness. A hunger for His kingdom. This is why I keep fighting for community.