Brokenness

I recently bought a book by accident. At least it seemed like an accident at the time. I was trying to buy the book Community and Growth by Jean Vanier, but accidently threw From Brokenness to Community into my outbasket on Amazon. I eventually noticed the mistake and decided to keep the book since it was inexpensive and sounded intriguing.

God actually had other plans for that little book and me. Have you ever had an epiphany? Or perhaps it's a better question to ask if you've ever seen yourself so clearly that you can't deny what you see? Well, that's what happened when I got to page 29 and read the following words, "Community is the place where are revealed all the darkness and anger, jealousies and rivalries hidden in our hearts." As I read those words, it was like the veil was lifted and I saw my heart of hearts. I was floored...shocked...even scared at what I saw hidden in the deep recesses of my heart.

In that moment I realized how much of life is spent hiding all those areas of our lives that we just don't want others to see. We know they are there, but we try to block them from our minds and move through life with a sense of dignity. I can pinpoint these areas that "need some looking into" in other peoples' lives with considerable ease, but for some reason I turn a blind eye to my own darkness, anger, jealousy and rivalry.

Since reading page 29? Some tearful apologies and asking for forgiveness. I've also seen that it is in my weakness (brokenness), that I offer the unique gift of healing and life to others on our team and in our community. Weakness actually draws others out, while pride tends to keep others at arm's length.

As we start a new year with a new group of apprentices I find myself tempted to once again impress and show others all that I am capable of. For some reason we always seem to think that our relationships with others will be better if they only see the best of who we are. It's a tragic temptation. However, as Vanier writes, "All my life I had been taught to climb the ladder, to seek promotion, to compete, to be the best, to win prizes. This is what society teaches us. In doing so, we lose community and communion." In the end, that seems to be a high price to pay just to look good in others' eyes.